'How to Handle a Press Conference' for Betrayed Wives

Poor Mrs Spitzer. Yet another casualty of the Curse of the High-Profile Politician. Hillary Clinton, Norma Major, Pauline Prescott, Judith Mellor - and now Silda Spitzer takes her sorry place in the line-up of the Betrayed Political Wives.

The element of these scandals that I find most excruciating is the inevitable press call where the devoted wife is hauled out alongside her philandering spouse to take her share in his humilliating exposure. Normally she stands by his side and stays quiet, looking respectably upset while he expresses his 'deep regret at the pain I have caused to my wife and family'. Deep regret he got caught, more like.

Why do they do it? I'm sure the reasons are plentiful and complex, and I'm not about to attempt to discuss them here. But I've got an alternative scenario. And I'll vote for any woman who does it, should she subsequently decide that she wants to be Prime Minister.

At the first question from the first journalist, the long-suffering wife steps forward, takes the microphone and makes the following statement.

'Stand by this arsehole? I'd rather stand by a pile of horse shit. I'm only surprised that the ugly bastard managed to find anyone deranged enough to have sex with him in the first place. $5,000? She must have been charging by the 'indaequate fumble'. Thank you all very much for your time, I'm off to make a start on that divorce settlement. Has anyone got the number of Heather Mills' lawyer?'

Inventive Ways to Lose a Girlfriend...

It would seem that the vagaries of the fashion and beauty industries that inspired last week's rant are finally about to answer a question that's been bugging me for years.

Do men tend to require fewer and simpler cosmetic products because they really are less vain and more secure, or have the evil arch-bastards simply not found the right way to get to them yet?

Yesterday however, I discovered that increasing numbers of men, inspired by that David Beckham ad, are heading to beauty salons up and down the country to get themselves a Boyzilian.

Now, whilst both David and Victoria Beckham have kept UK hairdressers churning out replicas of their trend-setting barnets for over 10 years now, I hadn't predicted that this particular look would be driving British menfolk into the grasping clutches of the beauty industry in search of the perfect Back, Sack and Crack.

There's a cynical part of me is thinking it highly likely that the smooth appearance shown in the ad owes more to an ad designer's Photoshop skills than to those of hot-wax-wielding beauticians.

But the whole thing reminded me of a client of ours a few years ago who persuaded his girlfriend to model a product for festival-goers that he had invented and was trying to bring to market. The ad showed the product draped over her bare bottom, and she was surprised and delighted by the way she looked in it.

'Blimey', she said.'My arse looks really nice there doesn't it?'.

'You've got to be kdding me.', came the reply. 'It's taken me 6 hours in Photoshop to get it looking like that!'.

I wonder if they're still together?

Stuff and Nonsense.

I've been spitting bile and foaming at the mouth this week over the evils of the UK and USA fashion, beauty and cosmetics industries.

From that Tad Safran article, to the increasing quantity of media space given to the outrage that is vaginal cosmetic surgery, it seems that the arch-bastards of these insidious industries are embarking on a major offensive (and I mean that on every level) to make sure that women have their tiniest blemishes and imperfections highlighted, exaggerated and ridiculed with every turn of every page, and with every click of the remote control or mouse.

I'm not kidding about the surgery either - I've read two pieces this week alone; a brilliantly argued piece by the Guardian's Cath Elliott, followed by fellow blogger EmmaK's irreverent take on the subject. I defy you to read either with your legs uncrossed...

So, I've been wondering, just how dim and gullible do these so-called fashion and beauty gurus think women are? And then I opened today's Sunday Times Style Supplement, and I found this.

£460.

For a desperately trendy and exclusive Moncler coat.




















That looks like a gigantic, shrink-wrapped turd.

Women of intellect and reason, please feel free to draw your own conclusions.

Underhand Marketing Tactics 4

Mothercare again, and they're becoming such frequent offenders with the bastardliness of their ads that I'm giving them their own tag.

As you've probably gathered by now, I don't like being advertised to without consent. I particularly hate ad campaigns that are designed to ensure that the relevant brand logo is right in my face when I'm thinking about a particular subject.

It's unsolicited anchoring in my view, and I really think that there should be greater concern about it, ethically speaking.

So you can imgaine my utter delight when I bought my little boy some Mothercare own brand pyjamas the other day and found that a major brand of fabric conditioner had hijacked the washing labels:

I've got to hand it to them for this stroke of creative genius, even though it made me swear in a very inventive way. What you can't see so well in the photo is the little ad card attached to every single pair that had to be cut off and binned as well, oh, I was just loving them by that point.

Fabric conditioner doesn't feature on my shopping lists these days, so thankfully, I'm immune to this particular piece of manipulative nonsense. However, before I cottoned on to the wonders of eco and dryer balls, this brand had already made me their bitch.

I feel used. And not in the way that I like.

Incidentally, I also got suckered on the same shopping trip by my little boy hanging out of the trolley and sobbing for a particular toy. I'd been meaning to get one anyway, and didn't fancy making a return trip just for the sake of standing my ground, so I gave in. The time has come to leave him at home, or there will be no money left over for buying gin!

Underhand Marketing Tactics 3

...the bastards nearly had me as well...

Whilst in the grips of raging PMT yesterday afternoon, I popped into my local Tesco Metro. I was suffering from that sensation of 'if I don't eat a huge quantity of chocolate right now I am going to do some serious damage to something.'

Anyway, there was a HUGE yellow sign right underneath my favourite chocolate bars, saying 'SPECIAL OFFER - 3 for £1.00'. 'Fantastic', I thought, grabbing at them like a deranged pigeon dancing on a discarded pile of chips. 'That ought to keep me going until teatime...'

Hang on a minute though...what does that little white sign poking out from underneath the HUGE yellow one say?

32p each, you say...

Dirty, thieving bastards. And yes, I did complain. The signs are now gone.

Double Annoyance

I have been caught speeding, and dealt with accordingly. The best outcome will be a £60 fine and three points. It's a 40mph limit there apparently, not 50mph, as I thought when I merrily shot past the camera van at 48mph without a care in the world.

It's doubly maddening; I am a self-righteous arse on the subject of speed cameras, which means that I can't even have a satisfying rant about it.

Now, where did I leave my emergency stash of Good Grace?

Ethical Banking: A Contradiction in Terms?

In a recent drive to improve my standards of ethical consumerism, I opened a current account with The Co-operative Bank. It was done with a view to moving all our family and business banking if they proved to be a worthwhile choice. It's not looking good.

Yesterday I had a notice through the post about changes to their overdraft services and charges. 'Boring', I thought, 'I don't have an overdraft facility, I told them that I didn't want one when I opened the account'. Luckily, as my hand hovered over the bin, I spotted the following.

'Informally - If you have not formally requested our overdraft services as above, you may still request our overdraft services by undertaking a payment or withdrawal from your account, even though no overdraft limit has been agreed or where the payment or withdrawal would cause you to exceed any agreed overdraft limit.'

Let's look at that for a second. If I make a very easy mistake, such as forgetting I took cash out yesterday, or handing over the wrong card at a till, there will no longer be that slightly embarrassing moment where my card gets declined and I think that the person on the till assumes that I am an out of control shopaholic or identity fraduster. Instead, there will be an automatic £20 charge, plus a daily service charge of £20. Thanks, but I'd rather take the shame.

The best bit is this - there is no opting out. I was on the phone for 15 minutes this morning trying to get them to find a way round it, but it was no use. The lady I spoke to accepted that it would be an easy mistake to make, that she could see why I'd prefer to go back to my old bank where I can screw up for the price of the interest charge, or just use my credit card instead. She could see exactly why I thought they were taking the piss, but there seemed to be nothing that she could do about it.

I am certain that someone high up in that company has calculated that an enormous profit can be generated from this sort of ruse, even from customers who are generally excellent at managing their accounts. A bear trap like this is hardly in line with their policy of ethical banking; I would be willing to bet that many of the people who get fucked over by these charges can't afford to repay them straight away, and will end up having to fork out yet another £20 charge to arrange the authorised overdraft which they'll be needing in the meantime.

Anyway, I have given them a week to phone me back with a better option, or I'm closing the account. Luckily, I kept my old one open, just in case they turned out to be wankers. Foresight is a gift, you know.

Underhand Marketing Tactics 2

Following on from my recent post, here's a new development. Pester Power has grown up!

Nivea are running the following ad for a man's moisturiser in women's glossy magazines at the moment:

'He brushes his teeth; he washes his hair; he even conditions it. Isn't it time he started looking after his skin?

Every time your man shaves he removes a layer of skin and the natural oils that help protect him from harmful UVAs and UVBs. Encourage him to use an Extra Soothing Moisturiser, specially formulated for a man's skin after shaving. This will soothe his skin and help protect his face from skin-ageing rays. Tell him if he wants to stay on top of his game, it's time he started using it.

Nivea Extra Soothing Moisturiser is available in all the same places you buy yours'

I think we're all very familiar with the marketing theories that play on women's insecurities about ageing in order to shift cosmetic products. But I can't quite figure out their game on this one. Are they perhaps realising that this kind of insecurity-based button pushing doesn't work on men, because in general, men aren't afraid of ageing in the same way that women are? (there's a whole post to be had out of that sentence, but not now...).

If so, then this leaves 2 options;

a) they are attempting to foster similar insecurities in men by creating the impression that a life without the product makes you less attractive.
b) they are in need of a short-term boost in sales, and have decided to shift the product by getting women to buy it for their partners.

If my boy starts worrying about this sort of stuff, then I will be introducing him to the wonders that are Aqueous Cream and Coconut Oil. Bollocks to expensive products, you don't need it.

N.B. I am well aware that these sort of rants can be avoided by simply not buying glossy magazines. It was out of character, I regretted it the moment that I opened it, and have been ranting about it ever since. In my defence, I had 2 hours to kill between rehearsal and gig and I hadn't realised that my fellow singers were too tight to go the pub. Packed bloody sandwiches, good grief.

Melissaria's First Law of Toddler Lunchtime Naps

Length of Nap = (Time Taken to Do Chores)+(Bottom Meets Sofa)+7 seconds

Underhand Marketing Tactics 1

I have many a bee in my bonnet, but the one with the loudest buzz of all concerns what I believe to be underhand marketing or advertising methods. It's the cause of many a debate between The Husband and I, as he's an entrepreneur who genuinely believes that all's fair in love, war and sales tactics.

It's really hard to draw a line between 'fair' and 'underhand' promotional tactics, and I realise I've got a long way to go with my thinking on the subject. But as I'm here and I haven't posted for a couple of days, here are two examples I have spotted or been told about.

Mothercare - will not be getting a visit from me any time soon after a verbal report from my friend ChiefBoobyMum. She says that they are currently employing tactics based on Pester Power to boost sales of this year's Must Have Christmas present; a large, dancing Iggle Piggle toy. They have put the big display of the toys right next to the tills, and the sales assistant encouraged her to buy the toy as her three-year-old was practically crying for it by the time she got served. She has more sense, thankfully, but still felt like a miserable old ratbag of a mother for standing firm.

Sainsbury's - are having a laugh if they think I can't spot Vanity Sizing when I see it. I am well aware of what size the old bootylicious can be squeezed into on a good day, and in my opinion, those knickers were a good 2 sizes bigger than the size stated on the label. Am I supposed to think 'I know, I'm going to do all my shopping at Sainsbury's in future, because just walking through their doors magically makes my arse shrink'?

Bastards.

UPDATE: I saw the Iggle Piggle toy on a child-free shopping trip this afternoon, so I took the opportunity to examine and play with it. It is complete and utter crap.

For the same amount of money you can get a laughing Elmo toy which is much more useful. Another friend of mine has one, and her little girl is so scared of it that she can put it in the doorway of any room she doesn't want her going into, and it immediately becomes a little, menacing, furry bouncer. Now that's what I call value for money.

An Open Letter

Chief Executive Officer
Corporate Megabastards plc

Dear Sir,

It's about time that someone told you what happens when your website forces customers to give a reason for their purchase 'for marketing purposes'.

We lie to you.

This is for 3 reasons:

1. We are annoyed that we had to fill in all our details twice because 'some important information was missing' from our first attempt.
2. None of your offered options came close to reality and in any case...
3. ...it's none of your business, you nosey bastards.

If you continue to give us no choice but to answer your poxy questions in order to buy your product, then we will have no choice but to tell you deliberate big fat porkies in order to spoil your marketing fun.

You are all very irritating.

Kind Regards,

Melissaria

Tesco Organic Veg Box

Today, I saw that Tesco are selling Organic Veg Boxes. Right there, amongst all the other organic veg that they sell and that you can pick out for yourself.

There's so much wrong with this picture, that I don't even know where to start. Give me time, there's a great rant to be had, I promise. But right now I need to sleep.

Also, you have my solemn promise that when I have a just a little bit more time and money, and when the area in which I live catches up a bit on the organic produce front, I will no longer go to Tesco. It makes me feel dirty, and not in a good way.

Other Mothers Are the Enemy

Before I start on this one, I just want to make it absolutely clear that the above statement does not apply to the circles of mums in which I socialise in real life.

I think I might be one of the lucky ones. Fairly early on in pregnancy, I started noticing that something that should be one of life's great levellers - an experience to unite women from all walks of life - seemed to be having the opposite effect. Yes, I had started looking at the internet forums and discussion groups for pregnant women and mothers.

Perhaps it's just a reflection on my own failings, but I really cannot bear these sites. For some reason, most of them seem to degenerate fairly quickly into vicious online cat-fighting. Let me give you an example from a recent one:

"Well, the reaction of the usual suspects to this article is to demonstrate how being a stay at home mother makes you totally lose your sense of humour and become a vicious, bitchy, judgemental old nag."

"Of course housewives are hugely dull. It's why most alphamummies can think of nothing worse than chatting to them...The yummiest mothers of all are those with careers, a life apart from (and also with) their children, a place in the adult world and the money to dress themselves rather than having to part their legs and iron his shirt in return for the allowance that pays for their leggings and sweat shirts."

"So those women for whom spending time in the office is more important to them than spending time with their children, won't get the slightest upset at being told they are selfish, self-obsessed cows who don't give a toss about their children, who measure their value by how high up the male corporate hierachy they've clawed their way, and whether they..."

...etc.

And that's one of the better sites - when I say better, I mean the spelling's good, complete sentences are used, and there is no txtspk or 'lol'-ing. The sentiments are just as awful as those found on the more widely used sites.

As a woman, I find it deeply embarrassing that fellow women can carry on in this way. Does it happen in real life too? My mum-friends seem to get on really well, despite the usual differences - work/stay-at-home, routine queens/attachment parents, green/convenience products etc. Maybe they do go away and slag each other off online, but I'd like to think not. As far as I can see, they're all bright and secure enough to have realised that there is no 'one-size-fits-all' template of unquestionable correctness. I think they realise that if someone makes a different choice, it's not to cause personal insult/damage the feminist cause/irreversibly damage their child; and they don't need stamping all over and publicly humiliating until they concede.

We hear so much these days about online bullying, and it's usually in reference to those still at school. Why is it then that men seem to grow out of this habit, and yet some women still want to sit at their PCs and fling vitriol around like monkeys flinging shit in a cage? Shame on them.

The Price of Milk

I had a letter this morning from the very large organisation that employs my milkman saying that the price of milk is going up. Amongst the usual platitudinous CRM-based nonsense was this paragraph:

"The main reason for this increase is a world shortage of milk, which is affecting the price of all milk and dairy products. This comes at a time when the British dairy industry is also experiencing significant change. The soaring cost of animal feed and poor weather over the summer has led to lower amounts of milk being produced and some real difficulties for many of our farmers."

Oh come off it. I'm no investigative journalist, and I don't have the time to present a watertight case here, but this smells of something else to me. It's been several years since we first started hearing that UK dairy farmers were going out of business at an alarming rate due to the aggressive purchasing tactics of the major retailers. More recently we've heard the allegations of price-fixing of milk and cheese. And now we're short of milk, and it's going to cost us more money.

Did no-one else see this coming? I predict that it's time to start looking very hard at our budgets and what we consider important. I have a feeling that our current fixation with cheap commodities is going to prove itself unsustainable and consumers are going to get a good hard bite in the arse in the next few years. Milk is only the start.